Dear magical mom blogger creatures, I'm on to you.
You often post gorgeous pictures of your shabby chic vintage French sea-side style home taken with your Canon EOS 7D DSLR but I know the truth. You live in a french fry and possum invested hovel worthy of a Hoarders feature. Don't you? Tell me the truth.
Who are you people? I need some answers because I too am a mom blogger you see. Yet I never seem to have enough time to get it together like you do.
You post pictures of yourself in your latest Anthropologie catalog inspired thrifty find with your feather adorned hair and I marvel. I marvel at your ability to look like a hipster goddess on a budget of $20 and a few pieces of string while I look like a hobo fresh from a rave in an outfit that costs at least twenty times more.
HOW do you do it? You shoplift a lot don't you? It's okay. You can tell me. I will not judge.
Your picture perfect precocious children are always Shabby Apple fashionably dressed and holding up mustache photo props in your beautiful watermarked photos that you treated with the latest en vogue textures and Photoshop actions that you learned how to use while running an amateur photography business during your downtime.
You lock your kids up in kennels in order to find time to blog. I knew it. Be real. We are friends and if I am to be completely honest, during our last play date I noticed that they smelled faintly of Snausages.
Then you post original drool worthy recipes you make nightly with ingredients grown in your award winning porch garden where your fancy urban chickens with elegant names like Winston roam. I get jealous. I do. What you don't know is I rifled through your trash last time I came over. I confess. I did. I saw that box of Hamburger Helper.
Oh and there is your Etsy shop. You often feature many of your artsy envy inducing creations. Just yesterday I marveled at your ability to loom a kaftan out of the donated hairs of Himalayan monks. You even donate 99% of the proceeds to your favorite charity: The Human Fund.
I get it. You're better than me.
Well listen up you tight assed Lululemon & Tom's wearing Petunia Picklebottom carrying Uppababy pushing DSLR toting impeccably styled better than me mommies - I am on to you.
Mythical Mom Blogger Creature: I salute you.