What I'm Really Thinking While Watching Children's Programming

I keep a running list of the insane thoughts that cross mind while I enjoy a few too many hours of quality children's programming. Enjoy.

Bubble Guppies: *tapping foot* Wow this shizz is hot. Um, did they just use auto-tune? If they come out with a diss track I'm not sure the kids can watch this anymore. I am definitely changing it if they sign with Young Money. Too bad.

Max & Ruby: Man, that Ruby is an uptight bitch. So bossy. Where are their parents!

Curious George: George is cute and all but a real monkey would be throwing feces all over that hotel lobby. Truth.

Caillou: I don't believe in spanking but I would make an exception for him. Oh! I'd paddle that bald headed punk good. I would buy a special sparkly paddle and everything.

Wonder Pets: Someone PLEASE tell me why that turtle needs water shoes? Are they trying to be ironic in that incorrect Alanis Morrisette way? Whatever happened to her? I liked her.

The wonder pets are proof that Satan walks among us.

Backyardigans: SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUTUPPPPPP (We've got the whole backyard to explore wah wah wah I'm stuck in yo head for dayz!)

Sesame Street: I will use Mr. Noodle as a teaching tool when the kids are older. Always avoid men that look like Mr. Noodle.

Wait. Was Elmo just dancing on the moon to the tune of "Survivor" by Destiny's Child or did I drink one pot of coffee too many?

Olivia: That chick is pretty pretentious for a pig. Hasn't she read Orwell's Animal Farm?

Dora: Haven't seen much of the grumpy old troll lately. Wonder how things are going with his new wife. I heard she hooked up with the Dancing Elf at the up and down rainforest but I aint one to gossip so you ain't heard it from me.

grumpy old troll

Diego: That rescue pack song has a good beat. When will these kids be old enough to take salsa dancing lessons for my amusement?

Handy Manny: Is all this sexual tension appropriate for a children's cartoon? Whom can I write to about this?

Manny better either poop or get off the potty and ask Kelly out already. The kids can handle it. Mr. Lophart is going to swoop in and take action if Manny doesn't.

Fresh Beat Band: I bet they get crazy backstage. Like cocaine and hookers *crazy*.

Why do they all wear shirts to swim? That white kid has moobs I bet and they do it to show solidarity. They're nice kids.

Thomas the Tank Engine: So. Much. Drama. Can't we all just get along?

Special Agent Oso: Man these kids are stupid. Or is Oso stupid? Someone is definitely stupid and it's probably me.

Yo Gabba Gabba: I wish I had heard this song about not biting my friends like 20 years ago. Little late for Vero.

Sid the Science Kid/Martha Speaks: Imagine if Caillou's mom had an affair with Sid the Science Kid's dad and Martha Speaks saw it and spilled the beans!?!

My twitter friend Jonniker said: Imagine if Sid's moms had an affair with teacher Suzy? Gives a whole new meaning to rug time eh?


Come on folks. Hit me with your best children's programming observations.